Bikini Wax & Bruises

I spent twenty minutes today explaining what IVF is to the Russian woman giving me a bikini wax. I don’t usually have such conversations when getting the “hedges trimmed” but when I took off my pants and hopped up on the table, she noticed the bruising on my stomach and asked me what that was from. It started innocently enough when I told her that I’ve been getting shots. Not satisfied, she asked why I was getting shots. It’s a bold and somewhat personal question but let’s face it – if you’re waxing someone’s cha cha, formalities are a tad out the window.

I figured, screw it and admitted the shots were for IVF. Some of my closest friends know nothing about this but tonight, Ivana the wax girl was included in on my secret.

“IVF?”, she asked as she got her equipment out.

“InVitro Fertilization.” I thought the longer word would make something click. She still didn’t know what I was talking about.

And so it began. I explained to the basics of IVF while she gave me my bikini wax. It sounded something a little like this:

“The injections in my stomach help me produce extra eggs…”

RIP!

“They then remove the eggs and fertilize them outside of my body…”

ZIP!

“Then, they put them back in… oh, I’m sorry… do you need me to lift my leg?

POW!

“Ouch. And then hopefully, the fertilized eggs implant… that means attach to my uterus… and then I’ll be pregnant.”

Last night, was the HCG shot. That was the final injection after thirteen consecutive days of various shots. If I had rabies, I apparently would have had injections for a similar amount of time. Remind me never to get rabies.

Sam, of course, was the one to give me the HCG shot and it really is the most important one. Understandably, he was nervous but he did a wonderful job. His two weeks of practicing on a grapefruit paid off. He also said, “It was much harder to give the shot to the grapefruit. Your ass was way easier.” I sincerely took that as compliment. My ass is better than a grapefruit everybody! It makes no sense but I’ll take any positive feedback I can get right now.

Tomorrow is the retrieval, which is why I thought I should clean up my lower region. When you got guests coming over, you straighten up. So, at the end of my waxing, Ivana looked at me very seriously and said, “Next time you come back, you’ll be pregnant and I’ll make sure my waxing won’t hurt the baby.” It’s an odd sentiment, but a very sweet one that was appreciated.

So, we’re in the home stretch. I called this blog “The 2 Week Wait” and in 3 to 5 days, my two week wait will begin. During that period, I plan to write every day. I hope you’ll be there reading, commenting, laughing and wishing me the best. I know I’m wishing all of you the best. I’m also wishing that your bikini waxes are painless and that all of YOUR asses are better than a grapefruit.