Forcing My Groove Back

Talk about a change in attitude? Yes, I still don’t understand the injustices of life (Exhibit A: The success of the reality shows, “Jersey Shore” and “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”) and yes, I’m still very hurt and bitter towards my first reproductive endocrinologist for being such a f*ck stick. However, I’ve decided to move forward because… well… basically… what other options do I have?

This cycle is an all around fresh and hopefully fun start in the working towards conceiving department. On Sunday, in anticipation of my LH Surge this coming week, I cleaned our apartment, took out my thermometer, laid out all my ovulation prediction kits, decorated the bedroom with vanilla scented candles, made sure the sperm friendly lubricant was ready to go and I tried to locate my Catholic School Girl outfit which my husband adores despite the fact that he’s an atheist. I want to not only be conception ready, but I want to literally have fun trying.

It’s strange to say but having fertility issues has made me feel less sexy. It’s not necessarily that my love life has suffered as much as the way I view myself has. Maybe I feel like less of a woman because I haven’t gotten pregnant? Maybe all the “scheduled sex” has killed my libido? Maybe it’s a combination of the two? Honestly, how attractive can you feel after so many doctors are looking at your hoo-ha clinically instead of complimentary? I want a standing ovation dammit… not a suggestion on why my cha-cha is possibly dysfunctional!

Whether or not this new attitude and this cycle results in FINALLY getting knocked up, I’m realizing that one of my top priorities is to get my sexy back. Women should always feel sexy no matter what. If I’ve learned nothing else from RuPaul, it’s that we all have a diva inside of us.

No one is perfect. Really – no one. There are a ton of things I’d love to change about myself and how I look. I wish I were thinner. I wish my legs and arms were more toned. I wish that my hair didn’t lie there like a flaccid penis. I wish a lot of things. But there’s no reason why I can’t work with what I do have. Heck – my husband is a smart man and he seems to think I’m attractive (bless his heart) so perhaps I should stop whining and trust his opinion. Plus, not being thin means I’ve got curves to work with, and there’s little in life that can’t be fixed with some make-up, Velcro rollers and some sexy lingerie. As Helena Rubinstein once said, “There are no ugly women; only lazy ones.”

This past year and a half has taken a toll on me in ways I never thought possible. It’s good to throw the occasional pity party (even if it turns into a month long celebration) but one can only mope and mourn so much before it starts to get on ones nerves (namely mine). There have been times in these last few weeks that I even considered breaking up with myself. I’ve wanted to say to myself so many times, “Dude. You’re bringing me down!”

So, I went for a bikini wax on my lunch hour (ouch!), I’m getting my nails done, I’m wearing my favorite outfits this week and when my ovulation prediction test gives me the go ahead, I’m going to turn my game on and remember that it’s not JUST about trying to conceive, it’s also about connecting with my husband and enjoying my sexy, curvy and fertility challenged self. Cue the porn music!