Funny But Not Fertile

I got the results of my first pregnancy test today and it was negative. So, as it stands now, for the first time ever, I’ve just spent over $15,000 to get my period. Apparently, IVF does NOT mean “I’m Very Fertile”. It may very well mean “I’m Very F*cked.”

Although we’re doing a second blood test tomorrow, the odds are slim that it will suddenly come up positive. If only these pregnancy tests were more like a magic 8 ball and you could keep shaking them until you get the outcome you wanted.

“Check back later.”

“Outlook hazy”

“You’re knocked up”

I did not have my hopes up, nor was I pessimistic. I was, as they say, hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. However, I could tell as soon as I said my name to the nurse when I called today that we were not successful. Her tone gave my results away before she even said a word. I really don’t envy her job. She tells exceptionally hormonal women bad news on a daily basis. When you think about it, it’s amazing she hasn’t been murdered yet.

I had a phone session scheduled with my therapist at 2:30pm today but I just didn’t feel much like talking. I was ok. Well, I was deeply disappointed and beyond frustrated, but ok. I just wanted to go for a walk, listen to my mp3 player and not think about any of this for awhile. My therapist unfortunately was having none of it. In response to my text asking if we could reschedule, she wrote, “You need to feel comfortable talking to me even when you’re sad. What’s important is growing to be real and intimate with your therapist so that I can help.”

I read this and thought, “Great. On top of everything else, my therapist is now telling me we have intimacy issues.”

During my forced phone session with her, I was sitting on my couch when I saw a black mouse run across my living room floor and duck behind the book case. A mouse. Perfect. My luck just keeps on coming, doesn’t it? If you hear of either a stampede or a flood in a Brooklyn apartment that wiped out two freelance writers and one mouse, you’ll know it was me, my husband and my new, furry and unwelcomed rodent.

And here’s the best part: My mother-in-law is going to be visiting us for seven days next week. SEVEN. DAYS. She knows nothing of what we’ve been through (and continue to go through) so you can’t fault her too much on her timing, but still. Even under the best circumstances, should anyone you’re not having sex with stay at your house for more than a few days?

I can’t help but think it’s funny that should the second blood test confirm that I’m not pregnant, both my mother-in-law and Aunt Flo will be in town the same week. What’s even funnier than that is my mother-in-law will be sleeping in the living room with the mouse. Anytime she drops a hint that she wants more grandbabies, I may tuck a piece of cheese under her pillow just to amuse myself.

So, what to do? Even though we don’t know for sure what the second blood test will bring, I’m not holding my breath. Things are simply not going my way these days and it’s best to just accept that. We’ll wait and see what the test results show on Saturday and then take it from there.

In the meantime and in the words of Elaine Stritch, “I’M STILL HERE!” I’ve lost thousands of dollars, a touch of my sanity, and the dream of being pregnant this month, but I still have my sense of humor. And who knows? IVF might actually stand for “I’m Very Funny”… so that’s something… at least for now.