If you were to go deep into my subconscious today, you’d see a football game. The weather is overcast and the people in the stadium are not happy to be there but they’re still interested in the outcome. The band is warming up and the cheerleaders are working on their cheers. “We’re number three! We’re number three!” They look at each other disapointed in how lame their chant is. They are all wearing “IVF” on their sweaters… as they have for the previous two games.
I take the field wearing an adorable football uniform (that has Spanx built in) and get into position. Suddenly, the head cheerleader bounces over to me and says, “Ummm, Jay?” She flips her hair. “So… the girls and I were talking to the band and ummm, well, we just can’t do it. I’m sorry.” She hands me her pom-poms. “Good luck though, kay’?” The band packs up their stuff, the cheerleading squad gets on a bus to go home and I stand alone on the field.
That’s how I feel about In Vitro Number three. I’m about to play another game and my inner cheerleader and her friends have blown me off. No music and no “Go team, go!” Just me, holding an infertile football, two deflated pom-poms and several Gonal-F pens with little hope and even less enthusiasm.
Tonight, we start stims (Gonal-F and Menopur) and for the first time in my fertility journey, I have such low expectations that it’s almost embarrassing. When I paid the majority of my IVF this morning and saw my Savings Account diminish to almost nothing, I didn’t think, “Here’s hoping this works!” Instead, I thought, “Well, there goes my savings. Maybe next time, I should just set my money on fire.”
You know how they say all of a cocaine addict’s money goes up their nose? Mine appears to be going up my uterus and so far, it’s yielded no results. At least with cocaine, you are productive and lose weight. With estrogen, you cry over missing a subway and become as bloated as a dying Elvis. It’s simply not attractive.
Today, when I told my mom how I was feeling, she said, “I’m so sorry you have to spend your money on this. You could be using it to travel, to buy new furniture, a new vacation or even a down payment on your own home.” Although I truly appreciate her attempt to empathize and I know in my heart she meant well, she basically gave me a list of all the things I now can’t do or can’t have thanks to our unexplained infertility. I swear, sometime her pep talks are downright depressing. It’s a good thing she never worked a suicide hotline.
Adding to the fun, one of my dear online friends sent me boxes of Ganirelix. Unfortunately, the person who delivered this package of goodness proceeded to put it on the radiator in our building… thus compromising its effectiveness. As you may remember, a few weeks ago, the dog downstairs ate a package that was sent to me… and now this. You must all think I live in a cardboard box in Times Square. Next week, I’ll be telling you an homeless man ran off with my progesterone. Rest assured – I plan to address this. I’m going to have a serious chat with both the mailman and the dog. Four letter words and hand puppets will be used in each conversation to make my point clear.
As a side note, it goes without saying that if any of you kind blog readers have any extra Ganirelix lying around that you could spare, I’d sincerely appreciate you letting me know. I promise no one will eat it or cook it this time.
Now, getting back to our unexplained infertility… my husband and I got all our additional test results back this past Friday and we’re fine. No autoimmune diseases, no blood clotting disorders, no fragmented sperm: Nothing. Zip. Nada. We’re healthy. This is technically good news but it’s also frustrating as we still have absolutely no reason at all as to why I haven’t gotten pregnant after two years of trying, three inseminations and two IVF’s.
On top of this, it occurred to me recently that the fact that I’ve never been pregnant might be a bad sign. As far as I know, I’ve never even been pregnant for 5 seconds. I’ve had friends who have had miscarriages and/or chemical pregnancies. Mind you – I SO don’t mean to make light of either. I can’t even imagine what that’s like and for any of you who have gone through it, I’m truly sorry. The thing is, I can’t help but almost feel jealous that at least these know they are capable of getting pregnant.
And how sad and insane is that? I’m now officially jealous of women who have had miscarriages. What the HELL is wrong with me? I long for the days when I was just jealous of women who had great hair.
So, to sum up: Unexplained infertility + no pregnancies = Why should I believe this is ever going to happen for me? This is my fertilty theorem.
It really isn’t that I’ve lost hope (or my sense of humor for that matter) but this is my third time playing this game and frankly, I’d like to win for once. It sucks showing up to the same field over and over again being the losing team. I have become the infertile Charlie Brown and I have no doubt that Lucy is going to pull the ball away again at the last second. Why? Because that’s all I ever known so far. I only know what it’s like to miss the ball. I only know what it’s like to lose the game.
The one major positive is that at least I’m still in the game… and it starts tonight. Even though I’m not gung ho, even though the band and the cheerleaders have left and are probably splitting a pizza somewhere gossiping about who is sleeping with who and even though the odds are against me winning, I’m suiting up and plan to play the best I know how. Here goes nothing… WE’RE NUMBER THREE! WE’RE NUMBER THREE!
* Please also check out my piece this week on Fertility Authority called, “HOPE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD” at: http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/jay-bronte/2011/05/19/hope-four-letter-word
I read this and I teared up. I felt this way for so long(still do sometimes-even though we are long since through with our IF treatments). Never getting pregnant, never knowing why for 15 long years..never knowing why. We were fortunate enough to live in an IF mandated state (Illinois). My insurance would pay for all IF treatments up to 4 tries of IVF. After our 2nd ivf, we were advised not to try again with my eggs. Our embies would only grow for 3 to 3.5 days. At the time I was only 34 and was told that my eggs acted like the eggs of a 50 year woman. A part of me was relieved-to finally have an answer, but the other part only made me yearn for my own biological child even more. It's been 20 years this past March that my IF journey began. I am now a Mama due to adoption (another helluva story that nearly made me lose my mind & life)and I am soooo thankful & head over heels in love with my son. However, I still grieve the fact that I've never felt life growing inside my body. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone (actually, the one's that I do wish this hell on are the one's who take their fertility & children for granted..again, another story for another blog) If you can't tell, I'm a bit long wind-ed, lol. ALL OF THAT to say, even though you don't know me, I'm rooting for you! Here's to #3!!!
While I can't say I was in your exact spot, my path was similar. And I felt the same way. I was jealous of not only women who got pregnant on the first try, but those who got to pee on a stick and see a plus or two lines. The worst, as you said, is not knowing why you can't be like them. But please don't lose hope. Please, please, please. I kept telling myself there was some reason it wasn't happening when *I* wanted it to. It will happen, I have faith third time's a charm. And you will have some incredible cheerleaders or football players in your future.
First of all, I am cheering for you! I haven't thrown my pom-poms aside. You are NOT alone on that field, Jay… 🙂
Your statement about being "jealous" of women who have miscarried hit a chord with me. I have experienced 2 consecutive miscarriages now. And there have been times when I have thought that I guess I should consider myself lucky- I can get pregnant even if I haven't been able to stay pregnant since 13 years ago when I was carrying my now 12 year old son. I know what it is like to carry life inside of me. And then, there are times when I am jealous of women who have never had to lose a baby… And that includes those women who carry their babies full term and those that have never been pregnant to lose a baby. IF makes us all experience crazy emotions and thoughts… I think we are all longing for the days when we were jealous of another women's gorgeous heels or big house and not her uterus or eggs. *sigh*
Big ((HUGS)) to you and an even bigger "Let's goooooooo…. Jay!!!" 🙂
This was AWESOME! I felt like you read my mind exactly! I am going through the same exact issues you are. I am unexplained, never been pregnant and am currently in my 3rd round of IVF! I find out Friday if it worked or not. I had 2 blasts put back with one expanding-both good quality and 2 frozen also good quality. This is the first time I have ever had frozen ones so I was very happy about that! I feel you when you say you get jealous of those women who have been pregnant before, I have NEVER even for a second 🙁 So it's tough thinking positive, but we have to! It's the only way 🙂 I am 34 and been trying for 4 years. Its such a roller-coaster and I think maintaining a sense of humor is the right thing to do in this situation. I am also a pretty upbeat person and I've learned to cope with this the best I can. Like my husband and I said, this Saturday after we find out the results on Friday, we will either be very hungover or fresh-faced and ready to start a new chapter in our lives. Let's see what happens! GOOD LUCK to you and let's both hope that 3rd times a charm and we get our coveted BFPs! Where do you live? I am in Dallas, TX! Yee-Haw!
Priyanka
Unexplained IF is a bummer (and BS – obviously there is someone wrong with one or both of you, they just haven't found it yet) – have you thought about going to a Napro doc? And your DH? Although is obviously sounds insane, I am with you on the wishing I'd ever been even a teeny bit pregnant front.
I hear you as I'll be heading into my IVF3.0 in about 5 weeks… you captured how I feel so accurately. But we have to keep trying! Here's to you starting the great trend for IVF#3… there are a few of us going into our 3rd following you. Give us HOPE!!!
I agree with TTCfoodie, you aren't alone on that field, you have all of us cheering you on!!
And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has been jealous of women who at least know they can *get* pregnant, I have thought that many times even though I know miscarrying is an absolute tragic thing to go through.
they give us up to 4 tries here in Illinois with insurance for a reason–girl, you're definitely still in the game!!! i definitely have lots of hope for you, and i'll add ya to my prayers for a pregnancy this time! i'm soooo happy your test results came back normal–that is truly a blessing! have you thought about setting up a match.com account for hubby's sperm and your eggies–hey, anything to find a perfect match this month, right?! 🙂 hehe. seriously, let the follicle growing begin! i have faith!!!
oh Jay, I am so sorry you find yourself here. this road just sucks all around. I am so hoping that Dr K has some magic that she can muster up for you and I think the protocol changes are a really good thing. It is perfectly understandable that you are starting to lose faith and steam (and money), that is what we are here for. We will hold your hope when you can't.
much love to you my sweet friend.
I'm honestly not sure I'll ever get over the trauma of RPL, and it just breaks my heart that someone might be jealous of that. (Though I don't judge you for feeing that way.) You can depend on us to keep the hope alive even when you can't.
Hmm.. I, too, have wondered, 'is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?'
I decided that it couldn't possibly be better to add to this pain, by having moments of joy at seeing that positive pee stick, only to have it ripped away.
Wishing you all the best with number 3! Here's to hope.
As someone with unexplained infertility who got pregnant only to miscarry I can tell you that it is much better to never be pregnant than to feel the pain of miscarriage. I would much rather never experience the joy of seeing two lines again than get pregnant and experience such devastating loss. I know the grass is always greener and what not, and I used to think the same thing so who I am to even write all this.
Anyway! I will keep my fingers crossed for you. I hope that the third times the charm. 🙂
This is exactly how I felt with IUI cycles 6-9. Nothing I say will make you feel better, but, damn it, I'm still going to try!!! We're going through these crazy journeys for a reason, we may never know why. But I bet if you look back to the beginning you may see that you've learned more about yourself, your relationship, etc. I bet you never thought you could be as strong as you are today. Look at all the crap (shots, wands, freak outs, sadness, jealousy) youve been through and youre still standing and still have your humor in tack (thank god!). Your lame cheerleaders should be jumping for joy, after all the hurdles you've jumped over, all the "plays" you've followed to a t, all the time you've spent "practicing" (insert 30 other ridiculous sports analogies only my husband could come up with), and you've made it to where you are now. Those dumb cheerleaders should be acting like this is the frickn super bowl! And so should you. Just sit for 15 minutes and think about playing with your baby, think about having a big belly and not giving a crap about weight watchers. And think about DH holding that baby for the first time. Then hold on to those images for the rest of the cycle, because if you don't have hope through this cycle, then it's just going to be a pain in your butt (or stomach, or wherever you put your shots). So get excited damn it!!!! This could be it!!!!
I'm done now. If my post and the 11 before me didn't work, head for the chocolate and go nuts. Screw weight watchers.
~ @HopeToBeMommy
wishing you lots of luck. hopefully 3rd time is a charm. PS: i understand how you feel. I have had 3 iui's and got pregnant 2 out of the 3. both ended in miscarriage before week 9. Then we spontaneously got pregnant and that was a 'chemical' pregnancy. whereas my hubs cousin had 3 iui's and 1 ivf with no success. we could never figure out whose situation was worse.
Man, that's quite a pep talk your mom gave you. Gee, thanks, Mom!
I totally understand how you feel. I'm "unexplained" too…and I've never been pregnant. It's crazy to feel regret for having been so careful all those years, or maybe I didn't need to be careful at all. Who knows?
You've got plenty of people cheering for you, so it's ok that your internal cheerleaders have bagged off to go to the mall.
http://ivfified.tumblr.com/
So maybe the inner cheerleaders have gone for a tea break, but you just got a whole bunch of virtual cheerleaders to fill the stadium! And I bet there are a lot of lurkers rooting for you too.
On feeling envious… I get it too. To keep stumbling at the same point keeps you in this kind of groundhog-day nightmare. And I say that as someone who had an ectopic pregnancy as a result of an IUI. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And yet I do feel relieved that it was a step further than we'd got before.
Very best wishes for IVF 3. Hope you get beanies and that they stick around to find out what great parents you'll be.
As many others before me have said, you are NOT alone! Everything you wrote, minus the football analogies *wink*, is how I have felt and do feel at times.
I'm in the 1WW from my 1st FET, which is the result of my 2nd IVF. If this doesn't work, we'll be starting round #3 in the fall. Right now my coping mechanism is to be in denial and not think of anything. It is sort of working.
Wishing you the best and I'll be a cheerleader for you if you want. We don't have to wear pink, right?
Wishing you lots of luck and hope that the 3rd time is the charm. Even explained infertility sucks as well– especially when it can't be fixed but it is nice to know why ones body isn't working.
In my early days of IF treatments, I felt exactly the way you did – at least THOSE people could get pregnant, even if they lost the baby.
Then I became one of those people – I had a chemical pregnancy. It hurt, but I still get where you're coming from. (Even my IVF nurse said it was progress.)
Eventually I managed to get pregnant (on IVF #3! I'd given up hope too!) My husband is convinced it's because we watched a lot of comedy before and after the transfer. Also, I was "99.9% positive" that it hadn't worked up until the nurse called with beta results…and remained doubtful until the second time I heard the heartbeat on doppler.
It CAN happen, but getting there sucks more than anything else in the world. Hang in there, all of us reading on here are rooting for you!!
You know at one stage I also felt that it was impossible to get pregnant. Then I went for my third IVF, the dr gave me some new medicine and I got pregnant. Unfortunately I miscarried, but I'm pregnant again and naturally this time! So don't give up hope.
I wish you luck this time Jay… Because really that's all it is… Luck. Especially with unexplained infertility. Bad, crappy luck. It really sucks that some people have enough luck to get pregnant the first time they try and others like us have to suffer and endure so much. I have been through the pain of miscarriage and also waiting for my adoptive placement, and until you get your baby, it pretty much all sucks. So good luck to you this time. I'd love Ito read your happy news on a few weeks.
You are not alone because while your cheerleaders in your head have given up, there is a whole IF community out here, reading your blog, and cheering you on. Go get 'em Tiger! LOL. Well, you get the sentiment. I pray this is it for you!
Man, what a pep talk from your mother. Gee, thanks Mom!
I know exactly how you feel. We're about to do #4, I have unexplained infertility, and my RE recently asked me if I'd ever been pregnant. I never thought I'd regret being so careful in the past. Who'd have thought I'd be grateful about now for an unintended high school pregnancy?
Anyway, you have tons of people cheering for you, so it's ok that your internal cheerleaders bagged off to go to the mall. They'll come back.
Hang in there and take good care of yourself in the meantime!
Unexplained infertility truly blows. To not have a reason why it's not working just sucks! We're all going to be your cheerleaders – those inner cheerleaders can suck it… 🙂
I have an extra Ganirelix, but only one. But send your address to me at adventuresofalex@gmail.com, and I'll put it in the mail!
If there's one thing I've learned through this experience, it's that we can't ignore or guilt away the not-so-pretty emotions IF brings up, we just have to get through them.
My miscarriage was (along with 9/11) the most devastating event of my life. The c/p was also really hard, although a different sort of pain for me. The thought of losing another pregnancy is more terrifying than I can explain–it still wakes me up at night sometimes after terrible dreams. I think it would destroy me.
And yet, during the year when we didn't get pregnant at all–I sometimes felt the way you did. Jealous of the women who got pregnant easily, even if they lost their pregnancies. I felt that way and I KNEW first hand what loss feels like.
It's not easier. But you're right that (sometimes) there's hope.
But I have hope for you, too. You are not out of this game. And just remember, your ovaries and ute don't need pep talks. You can be as negative as you want without messing the cycle up. IF blogland is full of proof.
I was where you are right now. We had had 2 failed IUI's, one IVF failure, then a FET chemical, then onto round #3 (I usually forget about the IUI's because I never had any hope for those). By the time we got to #3, we were 2.5 years into this epic failure and I was where you are – unattached to the whole thing and just going through the motions with no expectation whatsoever that it would work this time. I even forgot after the transfer that I wasn't supposed to go running and jogged a bit – and then forgot to start my estrogen patches until 5 days past the planned start date. I was convinced that this just wasn't going to work for us – so I wouldn't let myself be the wee bit hopeful. I had one friend who kept saying, "the third time is going to be the charm!" I dismissed this because she was this overly positive fertile who had no idea what this whole process had done to my spirit (not to mention my husband's and my relationship). Well… she was right. The third time was the charm. Here I'd had no hope, no energy to give the cycle anything more than what the doctor prescribed, and I forgot my meds for crying out loud – and I was pregnant. Just when you think you can't be more down in the dumps and hopeless, you get that curveball that proves that there is a reason why we crazy women keep on trying, over and over again, to make a baby with the help of modern science. We keep trying because the majority of the time, it will work out.
Hang in there. I know this is hard, but please know that there are so many of us who have been through it (and are still going through it) and are here to support you. When you see your cheerleaders slacking off, call us all into your imagination to kick them off the field to bring some enthusiasm to the current cycle! We all need that friend who blissfully says, "the third time is the charm," or "this is your cycle – I just know it!" They do that for us – because we can't do it for ourselves. And we are all doing that for you right now!
So sorry you have to go through this. When I started IVF, I had been given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and had also never even had a hint at pregnancy. I was so scared it would never happen. It did happen though, and I believe it will happen for you as well.
Wishing you all the best.
*hugs* I love the football story, and I definitely get how that feels.
I'm split on the m/c thing – having had one (er, two), it's definitely something I would have rather skipped. But… it did give me more information about where our problems do and don't lie.
Out of curiosity, did your doctor run the natural killer cell panel? It's possible to have none of those other tests show a problem but still have elevated NK cells, which can prevent implantation from ever happening.
I'm rooting for you. *hugs*
rooting for you bigtime on #3!!! i'm livid on your behalf that the ganirelix was compromised but so glad that ppl are throwing extra meds your way. low expectations are a good thing – things can only go up from there. holding my breath, fingers crossed, toes crossed. can't wait to hear about a different ending this time that ends with a happy, chubby, screaming baby in your arms :o) xoxo.
I feel the same way about #3. I have been totally apathetic about it. Sorry your Immunology test results didn't shed any new light. It is good that you got them though, otherwise you would always have that wondering nagging question within. Those internal cheerleaders are moody catty bitches. Mine are with yours at the pizza joint. I hope they get fat.
We are your cheerleaders, Jay, just as you are ours. Hang tough. Even if you can't think great thoughts all of the time, know that lots of great thoughts are going out into the universe for you from your fans and friends.
Good luck my friend.
I'll cheer for you Jay. Good luck! No great advice here, just another cheer leader on your side hoping that the third one is the lucky one.
I know how you feel. Well almost, I just failed on our "text book perfect " ivf of (2) "gorgeous" 5 day blasts. WTF? Im sick of being on this team.
And as far as false hope, there is no such thing. There is only hope or the absence of hope-nothing else. I am rooting for you.
I'm a three timer from the other end of things – RPL. And I totally get why you would be jealous of women in my position. It's the same reason I feel jealous of women in yours (especially seeing as I'm a control freak) – because you get a schedule and a plan. All I can do is pray, and being an atheist kind of complicates things.
In short – IF is – pardon my french – fucked up.
But I'll tell you what – you can't be your own cheerleader, so I will happily be one for you. Though I'm a bit wide in the thighs to pull off the uniform. But if you make sure my pom-poms are purple I could live with it.
So –
Give me a J! Give me an A! Give me a Y! What's that spell? THIRD TIME'S A CHARM! GO SPERM GO!
Or Something.
*hugs*
You go number three!!!
Get you on the jelousy thing. Wishing you luck with the IVF.
Here from ICLW.
I love your analogy of the football game…very creative. Although I am not quite in the same boat as you, I do understand the feelings you are going through and totally empathize with you. I have had one child and have now been trying for almost 3 years for a second one to no avail…so, even though I have carried a child, I can not seem to get pregnant again…at all… it's weird and I think it makes me feel like such a failure for it…like I have done something wrong since having my daughter.
How are your stims doing? Hopefully you're creating lots of healthy follicles!
You are such a great writer – I need more time to explore your blog. Just visiting from ICLW (LadiesinWaitingBookClub) and glad I stopped by! Loved the football analogy – will be sharing this one with my DH!
Stopping from ICLW
Now imaging this: me and everyone else who commented here, joins your cheer-leading team. Visualize it. We are a big crowd. We believe in you. We jump and chant and… your mood and determination come back to you. You can do this! You-can-dooooo-this!!!!
I felt comforted reading your blog about being jealous of people who have at least gotten pregnant even thought they miscarried. I told a fertility friend that I wish I had at least miscarried at some point in this IF horror show and she looked at me disgusted. Thanks for making me feel not so alone!
Go number three!!!
Here from ICLW. I hope it works this time, and that sucks about your postman and the radiator.
good luck w/ ivf #3. i know how hard it is to gear up for these things. we just failed ivf #4 and are moving on to DE. and i'm still trying to get geared up for that. best wishes and happy ICLW (#8)
Third times the charm right…
Great post, love the football analogy. Hope you know you have lots of cheerleaders here.
stopping by from iclw….. i want you to know that i have joined your cheer squad! well i should be in the band… i love band kids! anyways, i will be following your story and cheering for you through number three!
p.s. i am as bloated as a dying elvis right now….and that made me laugh out loud..thank you
xoxo
I'm a bit late in reading this Jay (and after all these wonderful comments there isn't much else to say), but I'll put my name down for cheerleading try-outs. I adore that picture of the Tim Burton-esque depressed cheerleader…where did you find that? I'm not a doll person, but I'd be tempted to buy one of those to be my fertility mascot 😉
Hi, stopping by from ICLW. Like others stated, your cheerleading team is here! I hope the 3rd time is the charm. Being stuck in "unexplained land" is no fun but you are doing the right thing by continuing to try. That is the only way to succeed.
Oh Jay, I am so sorry you are in such a dark spot regarding hope. {{{Hugs}}}, prayers, and cheers from the sideline.
ICLW #6
Wow, another amazing blog! The true definition of a friend is someone who is with you in good times and bad…but most of all the one who pulls for you when you need it the Most. So even though we are not personal friends but your "blog" friends, I hope that you feel all the good wishes, vibes, support you need for this next IVF . I was never a cheerleader due to the fact I couldn't follow the moves( always clapping or kicking at the wrong time) but I have always been a verbal one, so to you a big "hang in there and hoping for positive results"!!!!GOOOOO JAY!
Oh Jay, I feel for you. I completely understand feeling jealous of women who've had miscarriages and then beating yourself up because you know you shouldn't feel that. I felt the same way. And then I had my ectopic. But at least I don't feel that way anymore. Not really sure that's an upside, sorry. I hope this one is it for you. FX!
You rock Jay! Glad to find your own blog – I'd already read you on Fertility Authority!
Alec (aka The Infertility Guy)
iwanttobeadaddy.blogspot.com
I found you through ICLW! Wishing you all the best with your upcoming IVF cycle, and hope you get the meds you need.
Looking forward to following your journey.
Visiting from ICLW.
That is a very interesting analogy…very true! My husband and I are also undiagnosed…though I have been pregnant (ectopic) once, in almost 3 years of trying and 7 IUIs that's it…. I feel your frustration. Good luck with your next round…3rd time's a charm, right?!
How's it going?