My Formal Trying to Conceive Letter of Complaint

May 27th, 2010

To Whoever Runs the Universe:

I certainly don’t have all the answers. I suck at Jeopardy, I have a B.A. in Theatre and I’ve never solved any of life’s great mysteries beyond how to stop a run in your pantyhose with clear nail polish (which only works half the time). Perhaps there are reasons why the universe works the way it does, but in my opinion, there is room for improvement.

I am currently disappointed with your service and there appears to be no customer help line, nor can I locate a complaint desk. I would imagine that if you did have either of these things, there would be an unbelievably long line of pissed off infertile women waiting to have serious words with one of your representatives.

Since I’ve begun my “Trying and/or Working towards Conceiving Journey”, I’ve connected with a lot of women, such as myself, who want nothing more than to have children. These women are amazingly strong, funny and brave. They’ve saved up their money, made long term plans, and are responsible individuals. Although I don’t like the reason we’ve all met, I’m extremely proud to know them.

With me in particular, I can’t seem to get pregnant no matter what I do. We’ve tried good ol’ fashioned sex (socks on, socks off, every day, every other day, from behind, while doing a handstand, etc.) and I’ve even tried several IUI’s and an IVF but zip. Bubkes. Nothing. The only thing I’ve conceived is the notion that whoever has been assigned my case in the universe has either not been properly trained, is on an incredibly long vacation or they’re dead at their post and no one has yet noticed. Please follow up on that, will you?

However, my trying to conceive issues pale in comparison to some of the women I’ve met. Many of them have actually gotten pregnant only to have a miscarriage… or two… or three… or more. When I think of that, I get angry. I mean I get really angry. Like Mike-Tyson-pissed-off-and-drunk-when-someone-mentions-Robin-Givens-angry. And it makes me wonder… what the f*ck universe?!?!? No really, what the f*ck?

To add to my dissatisfaction, while my fellow fertility challenged friends go through what I can only categorize as both physical and emotional torture, there are other women who I like to call “Fortunate F*cked-up Fertiles” (or F3 for short) who are somewhat ignorant, unprepared and think “implantation” is a large farm somewhere. These F3’s also seem to get pregnant very, very easily. Put them in a ten mile radius of sperm, and bam! They’re pregnant before you can say, “Assisted reproductive technology.”

For example, a month ago, in the same week I had heard about two different women having miscarriages; I happened to meet an F3 who got pregnant accidentally while in the process of breaking up with her boyfriend. That’s a hell of a break up when “exit sex” is involved, no? Anyway, this pregnant woman told me she’s taking pain medication without her doctor’s knowledge, that she eats sushi on a regular basis, that she has no idea where her baby’s daddy is and that she’s hoping by the time the baby is born, she’ll have either a job, insurance or a man in her life. She’s due next month and has had a problem-free pregnancy… of course. The women I know are scared to even vacuum or eat a hot dog for fear of jeopardizing their pregnancies and yet, it’s this F3 who takes Vicodin with her tuna rolls that will go full term.

Where is the justice? Why put us infertiles through this total and complete bullsh*t? And then, even after many of us work so hard, go through thousands of dollars, months of stress, and take hormone altering drugs to get pregnant, why do you punish us by taking our reward of a newborn away? That does not make for a very satisfied customer.

Is the message that all of my fellow fertility challenged friends and I should quit our jobs, become homeless, go into debt and start taking crack? Is that the moment the person in charge of the universe is like, “Oh wow! Look at that woman. Her life is falling apart! Quick! Let’s make her responsible for another human being!”

Are you just spinning an enormous wheel with everyone’s names and whoever the arrow points to gets knocked up? Are you throwing a dart at our pictures and whoever gets it right in between the eyes gets it right in the uterus? What’s the logic? Is there any logic?

Now, I’m not saying every woman who gets pregnant easily is a horrible person that doesn’t deserve it. I’m also not saying that women who are perhaps ill-equipped can’t pull it together once a baby enters their lives. What I AM saying is that there are a whole bunch of fantastic women out there who not only deserve to be a mom, but who have been to hell and back in their quest. You, for whatever reason, appear to be ignoring them.

Could it be that you’re in over your head? I’m sure running the universe is a huge responsibility. I live in a six room railroad apartment and I don’t know what my husband is doing half the time on the other side of the place. Perhaps you need to hire more help?

Any which way, I can only guess that whoever is in charge of all this madness has to be a man because a woman would simply know better.

So, I’m asking as nicely as I can, please stop picking on me and my friends. Find out who’s responsible and fire them immediately. They are doing a piss poor insensitive job. We, my fellow fertility challenged friends and I, demand justice. We demand satisfaction. Please credit our accounts and give us all a happy ending… or I promise you – I will hunt you down and kick your ass. You’ve been warned.

Most sincerely,

Jay