Waiting for the Matzo Ball to Drop

Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah, which is the Jewish New Year. You would think this would warrant some sort of celebration in Times Square where we watch the Matzo ball drop and Jackie Mason hosts a “A Rockin’ Rosh Hashanah”. Alas, that will not be happening.

I was raised Catholic so this is not a holiday I typically celebrate. However, I’ve always had great respect for it. The thought of a New Year, a clean slate, is always extremely appealing to me. Plus, any event that includes food is one I can proudly get behind… no matter what my religion.

I’m now in the tail end of my latest two week wait. I must admit, the phrase ‘two week wait’ is slowly beginning to grate on my nerves. It’s feeling more and more like it’s terminal. I long for the day when this insufferable hormonal purgatory will bring some good effen’ news. Can I get an Amen?

This was the second cycle after my uterine polyp was removed and for whatever reason, I had very high hopes for it. Right after the surgery seemed too much to hope for but the second month seemed reasonable. We just celebrated our anniversary, we’re going into holiday season (a.k.a. “Family parties where everyone asks when you‘re going to get knocked up already), and my uterus is still somewhat newly clean from the surgery so this seemed like it would be an ideal time.

On cycle day 17 though, I started getting cramps which is pretty damn early for me. I’ve had them off and on ever since. I was hoping that perhaps was a good sign but today is now cycle day 23 and I now have ALL my classic PMS signs. ALL. OF. THEM. Yes, I know PMS can be similar to early pregnancy symptoms but my check list for Aunt Flo’s impending visit is as reliable as the Kardashians being annoying. They are as follows:

• Cramps
• Backache
• Breakout on my chin (currently have three pimples… a triumvirate of failure if you will)
• The inability to see the irony in life and laugh at it
• Right knee starts to hurt (I heard that our joints loosen before you get your period. Not sure if that’s true)
• Vaginal itching (DON’T ask me why but that‘s what happens)
• Headaches
• A strange appreciation for depressing 70s music
• Sleeping poorly
• Crying at random stupid commercials
• Bloating similar to Violet in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

As I review this embarrassing and disturbingly long list, it’s no wonder that I feel like the most unattractive person in the entire world (other than Gene Simmons from KISS). I am a hot estrogen mess. The only signs I have towards a possible pregnancy is that my temperature is about four points about the cover line and that I’m not actually bleeding… at least not yet.

Last cycle, I was totally chill and had no expectations. This cycle, I’m resentful, frustrated and quite frankly, pissed off and sick of this whole thing. Lord knows what I’ll be like next cycle. I often fear for the lives of the people around me.

I know I’ll get over it. What other choice do I have? I’ll move ahead as I always do. I’m seeing my doctor on the 14th and by then we’ll know for sure whether this cycle worked (which I TRULY don’t believe it did whatsoever). We’ll talk about our next steps and options but right now, at this exact second, I JUST want to be pregnant already. And yes, I’m officially whining… but in honor of the Rosh Hashanah, let’s just say it’s Manischewitz wine so that it’s a tad more forgivable.

So tonight, as countless people usher in the Jewish New Year, I’m hoping that perhaps I can benefit from a new beginning. One where I have sex and get pregnant. One where I tell my friends we’re expecting. One where I go to Babies R Us to buy something for me and not a friend or relative. One where I’m fat for a very good reason. One where I feel joy, real joy and not deep disappointment. Let’s hope the universe give us one big Mazel Tov. I have no doubt we deserve it.