Lightning at the End of a Tunnel?

If we review the last three weeks, they include yet another failed attempt to get pregnant, food poisoning, paying full price for an HCG that I’m not even sure I’m going to use, my building getting hit by lightning thus killing everything plugged into every outlet including my beloved computer (using a friend’s PC to write this!) and my insurance company telling me that they are no longer covering any of my fertility treatments. I honestly would not be surprised if I was soon diagnosed with prostate cancer… despite that fact that I don’t even HAVE a prostate.

I don’t want to whine or complain (even though I’m very gifted at both) but really, REALLY, when does the good stuff start? Things can ALWAYS be worse. I try to never lose sight of that, however, it doesn’t change the fact that being in a terminal state of suckage is frustrating as hell.

Despite the hundreds of dollars we now have to spend on replacing everything (we do have insurance so hopefully, we’ll get some of what we spend back), I can’t help but be secretly amused that the lightning hit our building during ovulation time. I’m not sure what that means. I guess come cycle day 28, I’ll find out. It’ll either be an amazing story we’ll one day tell our child (“You were conceived during a lightning storm! Sure, we lost cable, electricity, phone service, internet, our televisions and computers but we got you, so it evens out!”) or it’ll be yet another exhibit in the case I’m making against the entire year of 2010. Can you file legal charges against a whole year?

In terms of my medical insurance breaking up with me (“It’s not us. It’s your uterus.“), what can I say? It hurts. It’s bad enough that I’ve had fertility issues but to now get charged an obscene amount for them adds insult to injury. I’ve already paid close to $20,000 out of pocket WITH the insurance that the thought of forging ahead without it is dizzying. I haven’t a clue how to get the money needed. I mean, as much as I love lying down, I’d make a terrible hooker and I’d probably be the only stripper in history that would get paid to keep my clothes on!

Also, and not to beat a dead horse here, but I can’t help being internally tortured by the fact that we blew all of fertility fund on a doctor who missed that I had a uterine polyp for an entire year. What’s done is done and there seems little I can do about it, but again, it falls hard in the ‘suckage’ category. We never should have done IUIs and an IVF as long as that polyp was there and because my first doctor never thought of checking it and I didn’t know any better to suggest it, I may have to use our entire savings and my end of the year bonus just to get my second doctor to do something most women are able to do naturally.

Speaking of which, does anyone know if they happen to make cheap home insemination kits? If not, they should! It could include a little sperm spinner you plug into a wall (it could double as a salad spinner), and a thin tube to bypass the cervix. It may sound crass but c’mon! If women have been using turkey basters for crying out loud, why can’t I IUI myself in the comfort of my own home while watching True Blood?!?

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know that I often wane between finding all this amusing and on occasion, getting pretty depressed about it. At present, I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m clinging to the fact that nothing is hopeless yet and I still can’t help laughing at the mess that is currently my life but there are times of deep regret, fear and sadness. Those are the times when calories and fat grams lose all meaning, the bed is my refuge and I wonder what lies around the corner next.

Sam and I talked about it last night and we are definitely not going to be able to do our intended IUI this next cycle. We’re still figuring out if we’re going to put it off a month or two or if we’ll just skip insemination altogether and go right to another IVF cycle. Any which way, we WILL be doing something, somehow soon.

This all being said, is it too much to hope that through some insane divine miracle, the bolt of lightning that hit our home during ovulation time will perhaps bring good luck? I dare not even type it on my blog but if we were actually successful in conceiving this past cycle, it would be a joy and a relief beyond that’s impossible to imagine. Still, if history has proven anything and if what they say about stress hindering conception is true, the odds are against it. I’m hoping for a freaking miracle anyway though…