I believe it was around the time I turned 15 that I noticed I developed some extra fat in my lower abdomen. It’s almost like a pouch that I can’t store anything in. Even when I was only 105 pounds, I had this little extra something at the bottom of my stomach. Sit ups, diets, exercises… nothing seemed to get rid of it. Over time, I started referring to it as “my bagel”.
I really and truly have always hated the bagel. It makes finding a right sized pair of pants almost impossible. My hips and waist are one size, but the bagel is entirely another. And don’t get me started on bathing suits! I also have to be very careful with dresses and baby doll tops as I could easily look pregnant (amazing that I can look pregnant but I can’t seem to get pregnant just yet).
Tonight, was my first Gonal-F shot. Something about getting an injection in my stomach upsets me. I’m not sure if I can explain why but I’ll give it a shot (Give it a shot!! Get it????)
WHY GETTING SHOTS IN MY STOMACH UPSET ME:
1. I have never gotten a shot in my stomach before in my life and I don’t like trying new things.
2. I do not like pain and can’t inflict it upon myself… even for the greater good. My older sister used to have to beg me to pull out my loose baby teeth as I would let them dangle there for weeks. I can’t even wax at home. Heck, I can’t even use Nair. That stuff stings.
3. I can’t help but feel that someone more qualified should be giving me this shot. Seriously, my husband is brilliant and he did a great job tonight giving me the injection (wouldn’t be the first time – hey oh!) but he got a B.A. in English. He’s not a doctor. I’M not a doctor. Shouldn’t a doctor be doing this?
4. The fact that it’s come to this, even if it’s not the most painful experience ever, just makes me sad. This is not how I pictured making a baby. I remember when I was a kid, when I asked my dad where I came from, he’d say in a joking manner, “Well, we said, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make Jay’.” In retrospect, I can’t believe my father put it that way as it’s a bit disgusting but at the time, it sounded so purposeful and easy. How wonderful it would be if we could all say, “Let’s start a family! Meet me upstairs in five minutes!”
I pictured a romantic evening. I pictured this whole ‘trying to conceive’ thing being fun, special and involving music, wine, and passion. I never imagined it would entail needles, schedules, rubbing alcohol and tears. I’m stunned that this is what it’s all turned in to: Playing doctor with my husband, but using actual props.
So, tonight, because of reasons 1 – 4 above, right after Sam gave me the shot, which really wasn’t too painful, I couldn’t help but cry. I guess it’s only natural. As I sat up, tears pouring down my face and Sam doing his best to comfort me, I realized something that made me feel better. This “bagel” that has always plagued me is actually good for something. I barely felt the needle. It’s like the perfect buffer to a Gonal-F shot. It’s like an air bag for hormone injections.
Things rarely go the way you expect them to and not only did I never expect in my wildest dreams that I’d be doing IVF, but I also never expected that the bagel would come in handy. Over the next 10 days of shots, I plan to focus less on the shots and more on the bagel. Now I can finally embrace Sam’s frequent response to my bagel reference, “If that’s your bagel, then get me some cream cheese!”
Good for you for finding the silver lining. 🙂
Glad the shot wasn't too bad — I got emotional many nights during my cycle (and previous assisted cycles). Something about the shots makes you face how much you're doing and how hard you're trying, and it's a lot of work and a big emotional load. So hang in there, you're doing great!
Glad the shot wasn't as painful as you expected it to be. (Thank you, bagel! hehe)
The emotional aspect of IVF has to be so hard. Hang in there. ((hugs))
I just found your blog and I love your sense of humor. I'm also in NYC and have been trying for just over a year during which time we've gotten pregnant once…and miscarried once. I too possess a bagel that nothing short of flirting with anorexia will vanquish (and I really like eating too much for that). And I also rock out to Michael Buble's ode to infertility when I'm alone in my car (I even blogged about it 2 weeks ago!).
Good luck with the upcoming cycle. I hope you are "first time lucky". I'll be following.
All I can say is that you and Sam are being very brave. As for the bagel, we all come in different shapes– I'm looking at a kaiser roll myself these days.