This week, I’ve felt a lot like a boxer in the ring trying to fight the good fight. Whenever I’ve gotten hit hard or I feel like I’m losing, I’ve run to the corner hysterically crying (which I’m pretty sure Mohamed Ali never did) and either my husband, my family, my friends, my blog readers, my Twitter or my Facebook folk gives me a pep talk and then sends me back into the ring to kick some ass.
Actually, I’ve either been given a pep talk or some cookies or brownies. All of the above have been helpful.
Also helping to keep me sane has been the week off, good weather and my deck in the backyard. I’ve never been good at mediating (I always start making a mental to do list instead which defeats the purpose) but for some reason, lying on my lounge chair looking up at the sky has been therapeutic. We live somewhat near an airport, so there are planes that fly over almost every ten minutes. It’s not very loud which is good and there are all different sorts of planes that I’ve enjoyed watching. I wonder where they’re going, who is on them, if they are headed on vacation or to a family obligation. Not only do I find this relaxing but it may be the closest I come to a vacation given our financial situation.
“What did you do on your vacation Jay?”
“I got a needle in my vagina and watched planes fly over my house.”
I really should have taken pictures of either of these events to show my co-workers when I go back to work next week.
Another thing that has somewhat helped my husband and I is that we’ve been listing five things we’re grateful for every day. To be honest, I don’t think this has made a tremendous change in our attitudes but it’s been fun and a positive way to end the day. Things on my list have been my friends, this blog, how comfy our bed is and that I’ve not worn a bra or make-up for a whole week. My husband’s list has included that I’m his wife, his recent haircut, the show ALIAS, and how much he loves a cup of coffee.
The progesterone in oil shots have not been as bad as I thought they would be. I also have enjoyed telling random people that my husband gives me a shot in my ass every night and then not elaborating on what I mean. Its a little way I’m amusing myself.
Of course, I’m sitting here typing this with a painful lump in my left butt cheek so it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. For whatever reason though, my right butt cheek is hanging tough and taking the injections without complaint. Perhaps my right butt cheek is a bit of a masochist and my left is a bit of a pussy (well, as much as a butt cheek can be a pussy).
I’ve also been thinking a lot about my life as lord knows I’ve had the time this week. Oprah on her final show said that we all have a calling. I love and respect Oprah and she certainly has accomplished a lot but let’s be honest, we can’t all live our calling. I wish we could but we can’t. I can’t imagine that the woman who cleans the bathrooms at Penn Station thinks, “Yes! This is what I was meant to do! This is why I’ve been put on earth!“
As for me, I would love to be a successful author. I would love to help people. I like making people laugh (even when my ass is sore & my spirits are low like they are now) but I can’t seem to figure out how to make any of that happen. A publisher recently told me he loved my writing but the topic of infertility is depressing. Ok but so is war, the holocaust and Snookie and yet they all have books about them, so why not an amusing book about infertility?
I’ve been pursuing stand-up comedy off and on for many years now but unless you’re Jerry Seinfeld, it doesn’t pay well, it’s almost impossible to move ahead at it and it certainly doesn’t offer insurance. Most comics I know are constantly struggling with money. I suppose it’s a good thing they can have a sense of humor about it… otherwise, they’d really lose their minds.
For a time, I was thinking about becoming a Life Coach but classes cost almost a thousand dollars each and I’ve just spent my savings on my dreams of becoming a mom. When I was telling my mother about this and what Oprah said about following your calling, I said to her, “What do you do if you can’t afford to follow your calling?”
My mom answered, “Then you find a new calling.”
I just don’t think it works that way. I can’t see a person wanting to be a nun saying, “You mean I can’t be a nun? Ok. I guess I’ll be a blackjack dealer in Vegas.”
I realize this is a glib snarky attitude but that’s me: Glib and snarky. Maybe that’s my calling? Can you get paid for that? If Bill Maher does, why not me?
Obviously, I’ve had a tough time lately, I’m a little lost and it goes without saying that I really want this cycle to work. I want to be a mother… that’s always how I’ve seen my life. I also want to be someone who does what they were meant to do (and hopefully get a sh*t load of money for it). I want to wake up in the morning and say, “Yes. This is the life I ordered.”
I’ll share something with you that I’ve never said to anyone; not my therapist and not even my husband. Almost every morning, the second I wake up, the first thing I think is, “One day, this is all going to make sense.”
It’s not the most genius statement and I don’t know why someone as glib and snarky as me believes it but without consciously deciding to think it, I just do. It’s just got to make sense at some point. There will be an answer to the endless question that is my life. I don’t know when or how or frankly, if I’m even right about that but it’s a nice thing to think; that there will be a time when I’ll look back and think, “Wow. I get it now.”
I know I’ve said this before but honestly, I can’t say it enough: Thank you so much for all your comments, emails and for reading this blog. I only hope I’ve given to you a fraction of the humor, support and love that you’ve given to me. Many of us our strangers in life but our struggle (be it with infertility or just life itself) bonds us. We can relate to each other’s pain, disappointment and success (whenever we’re lucky enough to have one either big or small).
I may be a big poop but I still believe in the power of people. When you say you’re thinking of me, I know that you are and that isn’t bullshit. I can’t thank you enough for that. I hope we ALL have our happy endings, that our lives will all one day make sense and that we ALL find our callings.
(It would also be nice if we all could have as much money as Oprah but that’s a whole other matter.)
Sending you each love, light and laughs.
I sure hope it all makes sense someday, even if it doesn't right now. I love your glib and snarky attitude–it helps keep my spirits up when I can't do it myself. So thank you for being you and for writing about it!
you are so funny! I am now completely addicted to your blog! I resonate with the lumpy knots in my butt! Not fun..but you can make a mighty good joke about that one! Humor is so important to survive this hardship of infertility. Never give up…:)
hugs
Sending love & light right back to you….I appreciate your perspective.
This brought tears to my eyes. I hope we all figure it out someday. Continuing to hold out hope for you on the back side of the 2ww!
You always find a way to make me smile…I hope someday to know the answers like you….I say we plan a get together so we can all share what it is we're here for 😉
Sending you love and hope!!! & those PIO shots are literally a pain in the ass, but I found if you use a warm wash cloth to massage the area after injecting, it seems to help. But I haven't taken a shot in the ass for about a month and I still have lumps in my ass…so attractive 😉
Thank you for sharing your story…it has helped me more than you know!!!
I hope you are right and we will ALL look back on this one day and think 'ok now I get it' because right now I'm betting so many feel that its senseless. I know I do.
I'm still keeping the hope for you. You are in my t&p.
I agree it sounds naive, but it's been the one thing to get me through this: believing that one day it will all make sense. Even if that means I end up childless and become that cleaning person at Penn Station, with a creative mind and a sense of humor it will all make sense in time.
As for your publisher, it will one day make sense to him why you are a best seller and that he is an idiot. I believe that too.
Wishing so many good things for you ahead.
I think that's a great thing to think, I may have to borrow it. And if this all doesn't make sense one day, I'll be in an institution!
Thank you for a great post. I've been there and felt the same quite often (without the lumps in my ass, I just leak from my lady parts instead).
Humour is definitely needed in life. It helps keep us sane and sometimes can even keep away the tears.
Jay, I know you are an Oprah fan, as am I, so you have probably heard her story on wanting the role in "the color purple" from Steven Speilberg, and wanting it so bad she could 'taste it' but feeling she wasn't good enough, thin enough, etc. She talks about going to a spa retreat to lose weight while waiting to hear back from Steven S. ~~~ She was driving herself crazy with all this when she finally had to just surrender it over to God. (her higher power, etc.) She was desperate but she knew it was out of her control. Shortly after surrendering it over to her higher power, she was told she had a phone call, it was Speilberg. He told her he wanted her for the job and he also emphasized "I hear you are at a weight loss spa, if you lose one pound you are outta the picture…I need you just the way you are!" (music to her ears!) LOL
My point is, perhaps it is time to SURRENDER this fertilization/baby growing project over to your higher power. You have been through SO MUCH already. Let somebody else do the heavy lifting.
I also suggest getting James Van Praagh's new book, Growing Up In Heaven. (tag line is 'the eternal connection between parent and child') I bought it this week and finished it in 2 days. There is a section that deals with getting pregnant, miscarriages, etc. and the souls connections. This was particularly fascinating to me because I completely believe that our children choose us long before they come to this earth. The route they choose may not be the 'standard' way, but they DO FIND US. The child/children we are meant to parent FIND US. I think you might enjoy this book. It may give you hope in what has been such a terrible struggle for you two. (just a thought)
Sending you lots of love and sunshine on this Sunday. And know, I really only want what is best for you guys…I want you to become parents so you can enjoy all that parenthood has to offer~
With love and light,
Meg
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for all these comments. Really — they have helped me. I'm having a harder time than usual and I appreciate knowing there are others are there that care enough to read the blog and comment. Truly. I thank you from the bottom of my sore, painful butt. xoxoxo
Oprah also says she believes every experience we have is shaping us for future experiences. I have been repeating that in my own mind a lot, like a mantra. We'd go insane if we didn't believe that there's a reason for this madness. And laugh. As the great Jimmy Buffett said, if we couldn't laugh we would all go insane…
Hi Jay, I keep thinking about you and hoping for you this week. I completely understand what you are saying about not being where you expected in life. I haven't found my calling yet either, and I feel trapped by a lack of money too. My husband and I keep repeating our mantra. "We are turtles not rabbits, slow and steady…" What that means to us is that our lives may not be flashy and it might take us a lot longer than some other people to get to where we want to be, but we just have to stick with it and we will get there. It's a little corny, but we have to have something to tell ourselves to keep the depression at our circumstances away.
I sincerely hope that this week brings you good news. Sometimes it comes from out of nowhere…
Sending positive thoughts your way! I truly hope this is the cycle for you. Stick little baby, stick!
I have thought this many times over the last few years: Someday this will make sense. I'm not a huge believer in the concept that everything happens for a reason. It seems way to flippant, and I can't imagine the reason why so many go through awfulness and loss and the rest. But I think that every experience shapes us into a different person. And perhaps later in life, we can look back and say that I'm better because I did this…
Sending you so much love and light. And all the positive vibes I have!
I went to a sort of infertility counseling and the gratitude list was part of it, but also a keeping a journal visualizing what success would look like. What my daily life would be like with a baby in it.
I did it for maybe two weeks and then my therapist made me stop. Writing about my life with a baby and then returning to my life without a baby wasn't inspiring me, it was sinking me into a quagmire of depression that spilled out over everything.
The problem with being ritually grateful for what you have is that it highlights by exclusion the things you want and don't have.
It's like putting a rug over a giant hole in the floor. Okay, maybe you're not looking at it, but that just means you might fall into it accidentally or have to tap dance around it so you don't fall in it.
Hola chica! Hang in there. I know exactly what you mean about waiting for your life to make sense. I worry sometimes that I'm missing out on it because I'm waiting for something that will never happen. Since I'm currently surrounded by death and dying and a father in denial lots of people are talking about how dangerous hope is. Or can be. But lets not compare cancer and infertility. In any case, I'm thinking about you a lot from afar even though I'm sort of in twitter seclusion these days. <3
I'm also waiting for that answer, that "ah ha" moment…I hope you get yours. I hope you get a very positive answer soon. I also love sitting on our deck at night and watching the planes fly over. We can't hear them but we get a kick out of counting how many are in the air all at once. I could sit out there all night. Hang in there and I hope your dreams come true very soon.
I laughed at the idea of showing your co-workers pictures of your "vacation". Too funny. I commuted to NYC for fertility tx from Boston and would tell my co-workers that I just decided to go down to see the museums, a lot.I wish you the best of luck, I hope some day "it all makes sense", but am trying to come to terms with the concept of a good enough life.
Jay…you make me laugh! I hope your tww is going quickly! thinking good thoughts for your little guy in there!!
What a powerful post. I don't think I had ever put words to it before I read it here but I too believe that some day, it will all make sense. And I don't think I believe that I will see a purpose for everything, I just think that I will have a greater understanding of the world and will be able to put all the pieces of what I know into some kind of order.
I too wonder what happens if we can't return our life's call. I too want things that seem too difficult to attain. I'm not sure what that means in my life. I'm assuming, some day, it will all make sense.
Until then, I just have to keep looking for the answers in the ways that I know how.
I hope you find your own answers and can respond to the call of your life. Good luck.
Ooh, I haven't had a PIO shot in over a month and it still smarts. The lumps are gone but I still have this weird nerve damage. The left cheek was much better than the right for me.
Anyway I'm so glad to hear that you are holding on to that glimmer of hope. And if you were to write a book I'd read it for sure! Infertility books can be so depressing. The world needs one that's glib and snarky.
Looking forward to your happy ending.
Thinking of you today and hoping you receive wonderful news.
I wonder about the future often, of what it will be like to look back on these days and everything we have, and are, going through. Will it seem far removed, or will it seem like yesterday?
I would love to buy any book that you write. You are an amazing writer. And, like you said, there are already tons of depressing books out there. Infertility is depressing, but there are so many people struggling with you. Your book would help so many.