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You’re Gonna Make it After All

I’ve always been a big fan of classic television. One of my favorites growing up was The Mary Tyler Moore show. If you remember, the theme song, “Love is All Around” talked about how love was all around the show’s heroine, Mary Richards. How nice for Mary. However, if I had a show with a theme song right now, it would melodically inform you that pregnancy is all around me. How annoying for me.

We used to see Mary Tyler Moore enthusiastically take off her beret and throw it up in the air. During my opening credits, you would see me throw up my hands in frustration and promptly storm off to the local grocery store to buy several gallons of ice cream.

I just want one or two days where I don’t hear the word “pregnancy”, “pregnant” or any annoying variation on the word (i.e. preggers, preggo, PG, etc.) Some may say that I’m simply more sensitive to the word because of my current struggle to conceive. Although there’s truth to that, I still contend there genuinely HAS been a scary increase of people who I know who are either pregnant, asking me if I’m pregnant, who like to talk about their past pregnancies or in the case of one my single friends, just likes to talk about pregnancy a lot for whatever reason. Seriously, if I took a shot of tequila every time someone said the “p-word”, I would have been falling down, stinking drunk for the past two months solid (which may or may not have been a bad thing.)

Yesterday alone, a friend talked about how thick her hair was when she was pregnant, a relative complained how she was tired of being pregnant, and a co-worker announced that she was pregnant. By the way, this co-worker is now the tenth woman in my office who is pregnant. Yup, we are having our own little baby boom at my day job. Woop-dee-fertile-doo.

The worst “p-word” incident of the day though goes to a male co-worker who I consider myself friendly with. He has been consistently asking when I’m going to have children for the past year. He’s been jokey about it, blunt about it and at times, even a little insensitive. The last three times he’s brought it up, I took every tact there was to get him to drop it. I was jokey back, I explained to him that things weren’t going well and he should stop asking, and then I was as nice as I could be about letting him know he needs to move on.

A few months have passed since our last conversation on the topic so I thought we all had moved on with our lives. However, yesterday, out of nowhere, he came over to my desk and within ear shot of several other people said, “So… are you pregnant????” Without much thought, I immediately got out my bitch-ray, turned it squarely on him and responded with, “NO. You need to STOP. It’s inappropriate, it’s not funny and don’t ever, EVER, ask me that again! Now get away from me and my desk.”

I can’t help but wonder in cases such as these, is he really that stupid to not understand what I’ve been asking him for the last few months or is he just a total and complete insensitive jack-ass? Whatever the answer, although I rarely use it, sometimes the bitch-ray is necessary for self preservation.

This coming Saturday night, I’m going to my cousin’s graduation party. I come from a big Catholic, Italian family and I’ve been married for almost two years. Not only would it not shock me if every single person there asks me why I’m not pregnant (including my cousin’s dog, Waffles), but it also wouldn’t surprise me if they have a priest come in to stage both an intervention and an exorcism.

This morning, I thought about all of this while making myself a bowl of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch cereal (I threw in blueberries to make it healthy. Go with me on this…). I grabbed the milk and happened to see my left over hormone shots sitting in the fridge. It’s amazing to me that I’m still paying off something that A) didn’t work and B) still reside in my home mocking me.

As I ate my Captain Crunch thinking they should make a cereal called “Infertility-O’s” for women such as myself (the O’s could represent the amount of children I have), I considered inviting everyone over who asks me why I’m not pregnant for one big party. For appetizers; I could serve several hors d’ oeuvres and include the hormone shots. “Shrimp cocktail? Pigs in a blanket? Gonal-F injections?”

Perhaps Sunday, I’ll get a break from the “p-word”. If God rested on Sunday, why can’t everyone else? Please… just one day where no one says it, thinks it, alludes to it or asks about it. I don’t even want to read about yet another celebrity on who’s pregnant. One day people… just give me one day!

As you may know, the last sentence in The Mary Tyler Moore theme song is, “You’re gonna make it after all!” And if Mary’s infectious enthusiasm has taught me anything, it’s to still hope that in the end, it will all work out. So, I’m going to hope with all my heart that not only will I hold my beautiful child in my arms one day, but that I’ll still have a hand free to smack all the people in the face who’ve busted my chops over the years about it.

I’m gonna make it after all jack-asses! *SMACK*

12 thoughts on “You’re Gonna Make it After All”

  1. God, I swear I had this same fricken week 2 weeks ago where it felt like EVERYONE was announcing they were pregnant, complaining they were pregnant, or celebrating their kid's first birthday. Good Lord, I'm over it! And really, the announcing on Facebook thing–it's gotta stop.

  2. ok, whoop-dee-fertile-doo had me laughing hysterically out loud!!!! gosh, you're funny!

    um, i nearly turn the wrong corner and someone assumes (vocally, of course) that i am pregnant. i had food poisoning one night and a friend threw out the "code for pregnancy" accusation. all of my friends AND their dogs (literally) are knocked up, and my weekends are full this summer with baby showers. can i go to infertile island with you all, too???

  3. I love the bitch ray, and am going to turn it on the pregnant woman I work with, when, after having to take a day off for my fucking ER, said "How sick are you, anyway?" (I had told them I needed to take the day off for a medical appointment).

    I'm sorry you are surrounded by the newly pregnant. Just drink a lot.

  4. i'm glad you told that moron off. i have to just imagine that he's a clueless idiot. i told one girlfriend that we were having issues, so i was seeing an RE. 1 month later she asks me if i have news for her. nope, i said. another month later she asks me again. nope. then she announces her pregnancy and tells me it took her "4 whole months. i was one of the unlucky ones who had to try so hard". what. the. fuck.

    there's one girl in my office who is anorexic. really. bitch got pregnant and just came back from her maternity leave. she has no idea who i am, but i give her dropdead looks ALL THE TIME. anorexic chic can get pregnant and i can't. it's bullshit.

    i'm tempted to buy a shirt that says "nope i'm not pregnant. just infertile, so back the f*ck off". feeling for ya babe. your office sounds just like mine.

    on mother's day, i saw so many posts from friends who are mom's that said "to all the OTHER mom's out there, happy mother's day!" and it pissed me off. since sunday, i've been formulating my status post for next year's mother's day when i'm pregnant (i better be). i'm gonna give a shout out to all my (sub)fertile friends and also tell all the fertiles to quit asking their married friends when they're gonna have a baby bc it's f-ing obnoxious. and then i'm gonna say "if you haven't heard back from me in the last 1-2 years, it's bc you asked me one time too many when i was having a baby."

    these are the things that i think about 24/7. clearly i need a hobby. or maybe if i just had a baby, i'd be otherwise occupied instead of goign through imaginary conversations with ppl who've offended me!

  5. Perhaps you should invite the dead mouse to your party for jerks too… I think it would send the right message. 🙂

    I seriously all week have heard nothing but pregnancy at work. The other day one of the SEVEN pregnant women (in my office of about 60 people) gave me the "watch out, there's something in the water!" I HATE hearing that there's something in the water. I drink nothing but water, asshat.

    Also, I love love LOVE Peanut Butter Captain Crunch! Am thinking of celebrating next period with a big bowl. And a side of tequila.

    PS: I am so in for the getaway to Infertile Island. I will bring the unpasteurized cheeses and the skydiving equipment.

  6. Oh, I hear ya. A very close friend of mind just announced she's pregnant and she's very early — I mean, like literally 4 weeks along. I realized that IF robes you of so many things. Once you are finally pregnant, you guard it like a deep dark secret, b/c you're so terrified to lose it.

    And that jackass deserved it. Some people just don't get it when you say things nicely.

  7. I think you used your bitch ray wisely there. I mean seriously, that guy needed to be vaporized. In the dystopian future when everyone is infertile, at least all that office crap will be over. I hope. Also, I plan to find a way to turn other people's pregnancies into a drinking game. Makes perfect sense!

  8. whoop-dee-fertile-doo had me laughing hysterically! I agree with you so much on everything you say, it's like I finally found somebody who "gets it"!
    I too have the "bith ray" and the ignorant friends that ask the most rediculous questions. I just call it what it is… ignorance.

  9. I'm guessing Infertile Island has a LOT of tiki bars, which makes it awesome and I place I want to hang out.

    I'm once again immensely glad to be an underpaid perma-student. The preggos are few and far between in grad school, and it's nice to have one place in my life where I'm not anticipating daily discussions of birth-plans and ultrasounds.

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