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Boobs, Babies and Barrenhood

At 3am, when I have spit up in my hair, smell like poop and the baby is looking at me with his big beautiful eyes CLEARLY wide open and not sleeping, I remind myself, “Remember… this is what you wanted. This is what all those infertility treatments were about. This was your dream and here it is!” This simple thought actually restores my patience and I fall in love all over again. Granted, it’s a, “Holy shit – I’m exhausted and may be slightly hallucinating” kind of love… but it’s love all the same!

MJ, by all accounts, is a very good baby. On average, he sleeps two to three hours, wakes up, gets his diaper changed, eats and then for the most part, goes right back to sleep. He can get crabby here and there but even at his worst, he’s more like an old man kvetching that he hasn’t pooped in a while than he is a baby screaming bloody murder. If he could talk, I imagine him saying, “Hey lady… do you have any prunes? I’m backed up and it’s annoying me.” That’s his general tone when he’s fussy. He complains rather than cries. I can respect this as I’m a big fan of complaining. It’s often been a hobby of mine. That and worrying.

During the day, I have “Sophie’s Choice” moments where I have to ask myself, “Ok… do I want to try and have lunch or take a nap?” I simply can’t do both. Often throughout the day, I must decide things like that. Pump or sleep? Call the insurance company or sterilize bottles? Call my therapist or pay bills? More often than not, I end up holding MJ and falling asleep while watching either reruns of The Golden Girls or Sex and The City (it depends if I want my women with estrogen or without). This is the reason I haven’t blogged in a while. I don’t even have time to find out what’s going on with Carrie and Mr. Big lately or who Blanche is sleeping with in today’s episode let alone take a proper pee break. Even now, as I’m typing, I’m pumping with the “hands free bra”. I’m feeling very Madonna circa 1990-something in that cone-shaped bustier while I’m currently typing this. Instead of “Vogueing” though, I’ll just “Vague”. It feels more appropriate to my current mental state.

My father asked me recently if I’ve put “that whole infertility thing” behind me. I love how he said it like it was a fad (i.e. “Infertility! It’s all the rage in Paris!”) I know this is something that many women in my situation blog about. I don’t want to go on about it too much as it really is discussed and debated so often that it seems almost redundant to visit it here. I also discussed it quite a lot during my pregnancy, that I always felt like a “pregnant infertile”, so I’m pretty sure you all know how I feel anyway.

In general though, at least for me, when you spend your life savings on getting pregnant, when you spend almost three years getting negative pregnancy tests while everyone around you gets pregnant after simply sharing a soda with a man, and after going through the hormonal, physical and emotional strain of timed cycles, inseminations and in vitros, you tend not to forget it. I know some women who have gone through what I have that do in fact forget all about it and I admire that. I, however, don’t feel that way. It’s not that I’m a victim of infertility as much as it is, as I mentioned in my very first paragraph, that it gives me a level of gratitude that I wonder if the fertile community at large has. Every poopy diaper, any lack of sleep, any meltdowns, I remember that I never thought I’d even get to do any of this and that immediately puts things in to perspective.  I’m BEYOND proud of what we endured and I’m grateful for where we are at.

I’d like to end today’s blog post with a quick note of appreciation to my breasts. Yes, you read that right. Of all of the many things I’ve learned recently, I’ve really grown to appreciate how awesome boobs are. Men have often said that if they had them, they’d stay at home and play with them all day. For the first time, I truly get that. They often serve as both MJ’s food and as a place for him to rest his head. It’s because of this that my husband and I now refer to my chest as a “Bed and Breakfast for Babies”.  Sincerely – when MJ is at his worst, I just rest him on my chest and he’s quiet and happy within seconds. Since my day job is with all men, I may start considering using this strategy when I return to work. I don’t think my husband will like it but I have no doubt that not only will it shut up whichever male co-worker is being difficult that day but it also may result in me getting a bigger bonus this year.

Until next time… hoping all of YOU are doing wonderfully!

31 thoughts on “Boobs, Babies and Barrenhood”

  1. Good to hear how you and MJ are! I enjoyed this post immensely. I glad you feel beyond proud of where you are at. You sure did endure a lot to get there! 🙂

    "Depends if I want my women with estrogen or without!" haha Love both of those shows.

  2. Yeah, functional boobs are pretty awesome! They were the only fail safe way to quiet my colicky baby in the early days. He is so awed by them now (at 8 months) that he prefers to cup them and chat them up with the occassional nipple grab. I really need to break him of the latter or, as my husband says, he'll never keep a girl. LOL!

    Glad you and MJ are settling in.

  3. haha, LOVE the B&B analogy 😉

    whenever I feel tired and frustrated, I tell Timothy how much we wanted, how much we waited for him – that calms me down and fills me with tenderness. We did, indeed, work hard to get him – although not quite as hard as you! Kudos for your attitude 😉


  4. Thanks for the update! Hysterical as usual. I found the IF feeling went away (thankfully) during the infant stage only to return with a vengeance once he turned 2. Enjoy this time & I know you are!

  5. So great to hear from you! You sound so happy!

    I just commented on a blog last night that I think we infertile moms appreciate our babies a little bit more than regular moms. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in that! I think this is the main reason why my baby is still not sleeping through the night at 8 months old. I worry that this may be my only baby, so I let things like that slide and just enjoy the time with him 🙂

    I'm so thrilled for you!

  6. Haha! So funny about the boobs.

    I'm glad to hear your testimony of being a mom after IF. I worry that if we do have a child, I'll soak right into the other whiners and complainers of moms. I really don't want to do that, and I'm glad to see you can keep some perspective.

  7. I got nervous that you weren't coming back. No, really. I actually got scared. I'm so glad to read that, despite being sleep deprived and smelling like baby puke, you are a happy mom who is in love with her little boy. I'm even more happy to hear that you are nursing and pumping and not having any problems! However weird it may be, this is my current obsession. Will I have enough milk? Will I be able to sustain life without feeding my children formula? Will my nipples fall off?

  8. Jay !! Connie n the Office girls here !! So glad you're back. Have fought the temptation to email…. just letting you settle in and get your groove on. So glad things are going so well. Just keep in mind that someday… you will get to sleep again…. after he leaves for college………;)

  9. LMAO! That is seriously funny about the boobs. You sound so content. I am beyond happy that your dream of having a baby finally came true. I have missed you in the blog world, but totally get that all of the work that comes along with a newborn doesn't allow for much blogging. Thanks for the update! And I hope to see you back here soon!

  10. Yeah!!! Thanks for the update, you've been missed. I definately think IF makes one WAY more appreciative of the bebe. Also the trauma of it doesn't just go away cause you had a baby, especially when your birth experience was less than ideal. So glad you are enjoying mommyhood!

  11. You have outdone yourself, J. I literally laughed my pants off imagining you cradling your male co-workers. BONUS! Congratulations and many more. I couldn't be happier for you. Keep 'em coming!

  12. There is so much I can relate to here! I am from ICLW. It is my first time participating, and I always feel like a little bit of an ALI poser because I didn't do IVF and it only took 14 months. I did do lots of treatments, but they were all natural/lifestyle/diet/thyroid/etc. But I definitely, definitely relate to the feeling of gratitude. I think my struggle to conceive also led me to my natural and attachment parenting style. Also the impossible choices and time for nothing. I remember realizing at 3am one night the week I brought my daughter home from the hospital that I had never eaten dinner. I was nursing her using the breast friend pillow with one hand and knawing on a steak that I was holding the other hand. As for breasts, I agree that they are amazing. Breastfeeding is the best thing I have ever done–still am breastfeeding my 14mo. So glad to read your post.

  13. I am so so so glad everything is going well 🙂 Though I have children (plural) it took some 'work' to make the last two happen (largely a function of my age, apparently) so i get the gratitude angle. You are so blessed 🙂 He is beautiful!

  14. That made me giggle because I don't think I'll ever "get over" the infertility thing. For me it will be like the awkward lady that is still crimping her hair and wearing a side ponytail even though it is not the 80's anymore.

  15. Hi,

    I'm a first time visitor through ICLW. Congratulations on your baby- he is very handsome. 🙂 I find your father's attitude incredible…but your son is cute, so that balances it out.

    Best wishes,


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