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Dealing with Mother’s Day When You’re Stabby

When you want to be a mom and are dealing with or have dealt with fertility issues, Mother’s Day can, well, suck total ass. Before I launch into some potential suggestions on how to handle (or ignore) the day, I do want to post something I wrote when I was neck high in the trying to conceive trenches. It’s a list of reminders for both to myself and my fellow fertility challenged friends. They are:

  • You are brave and for that, you have my utmost respect.
  • Eat chocolate, ice cream, or have a margarita whenever you need one.
  • Never get a haircut or buy a chainsaw when on hormones. Trust me on this.
  • Don’t ever, not for one second, lose your sense of humor.
  • Don’t ever, not for one second, watch anything related to the Duggar family. It’ll just piss you off.
  • Never apologize or feel bad for day dreaming about punching someone in their face.
  • You’re not alone. There are countless out there like us.
  • Please remember to have sex occasionally just for fun no matter when it is in the cycle.
  • Watch RuPaul’s Drag Rage and The Golden Girls as often as possible.
  • Don’t let this define who you are as a person or a woman.
  • Never forget that we’re not failures. We’ve done nothing wrong and we’ve done nothing to deserve this.
Now here are my humble suggestions on potential strategies to cope with the day if its May 14th is something you’re not looking forward to this year:

Decide in advance how you want to handle (or not handle) the day:
If you’d prefer to boycott Mother’s Day, anyone who is close to you should understand. Send cards to your own mother, grandmother, etc. but discuss it with them ahead of time and let them know while it’s nothing personal, you would prefer to “skip this year” and mark the day in your own way. This can also be an opportunity to educate those around you on what you’re dealing with and how to best support you.

Have Your Own Unique Event:

Maybe it’s getting your fellow fertility challenged friends together or a new made up holiday just for you and your friends, if you feel comfortable with being social, there’s no reason you can’t have a “non-mother’s day” get together that same day.

Designate an “on call” person for support if needed:

Whether it’s your husband, wife, partner, friend, therapist or your ride or die chick, have someone ready to contact that day with either tissues, chocolate, a brilliant joke or all three.

Give yourself permission to put you first:

If Mother’s day is too much for you right now, that’s ok! You’re not a bad person by knowing your limits and taking care of yourself first. Again, friends and family will understand why you need extra support and space.

Handle with Humor:

Sometimes, laughter truly is the best medicine, or at the very least, a great distraction. Whether it’s a hilarious friend, your favorite comedic movie, or actually going to a stand-up comedy show, if there’s anything that amuses you and makes you smile, today might be a good day to indulge in it.

Get thee to a spa:

If you feel you need a little extra care or pampering, a massage, a pedicure or a facial. Some relaxing music, some you time and to be as far away from social media as possible could be downright heavenly.

Get support from the infertility community:

One in eight are dealing with infertility so you are very much not alone. Whether it’s a local infertility support group near you or an online one you’ve connected with, it will no doubt be a safe space to help each other, understand one another and share either what’s helping you or how you’re coping.

And as always, I’m sending everyone in the community my very best wishes no matter where you are in journey. Be good to yourself – we all deserve it.

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