This past week, I received an email from a 50-something-year-old asking me if I could take the DNA from her dead husband’s ashes and use them to get her pregnant.
I should note that I’m holding a pen in my hand… not a magic wand.
Although this is the first time the word “cremation” was ever a part of a fertility request, it was not the first time a woman over 45 has asked if she could get pregnant using her eggs.
Let me be super-duper clear here: There are women who do get pregnant or who are even fertile over the age of 42. However, they are very sadly in the minority. Then, even if they can get pregnant, because their egg quality has dipped, they either tend to have more miscarriages or the children they conceive are more susceptible to chromosomal issues.
I know this because I tell women this all day. I don’t enjoy being the bearer of bad news and many get pissed at me. What pisses them off even more is the majority of doctors in the United States won’t even see a patient over a certain age unless they are interested in using donor eggs. Clinics either don’t want to deal with the risks, they don’t to put the patient through needless cycling or quite frankly, they don’t want to affect their success rates. Yes, I’m the messenger of this but I’d rather tell them than have them pay a $500 consult fee to tell them it’s either donor eggs or the highway.
Now, not to be a douche here but I’m always a little surprised when women over 40 can’t believe this would at all be an issue. Again, I’m not saying it’s impossible to get pregnant. I’m just wondering if they have ever seen any romantic comedy where some hot actress with amazingly toned arms who is probably only thirty-years-old is freaking out about her biological clock ticking. Really – how do women miss that age is a factor when it’s rammed down our throats?
This brings me to the title of today’s blog. This past week, I turned 40. I don’t typically care about getting older but when you’ve struggled with infertility for years and then you tell people all day long that being 40 makes things even worse, it hits home.
Let me tell you where I’m at these days: I’m heavier than I’ve ever been (you could show a wide screen movie on my ass), I had to have my gallbladder out a few weeks ago (it came out on National Coming Out Day though so it was exciting to know my gallbladder was gay and proud!) and the dream of having a miracle pregnancy naturally has very much gone down in flames.
I’m exceedingly grateful for my son (courtesy of my 3rd Hail Mary IVF) but I did have hopes of having one more somehow.
If ONLY my pen WERE a magic wand.
I’ve made my decision not to pursue anymore treatment as I was a horrible responder and to spend any money on a cycle that will most likely not work when I could spend that same money on the funny, happy, sweet child I do have. I made that decision and it still makes sense. It just also happens to suck.
I’m officially old. Well, “old” by fertility standards and I was never that fertile to begin with. I now have four scars on my fat stomach from “Gary, the Gay Gallbladder” dramatic exit, I needed to get a stronger eye glass prescription as I’m going blind and instead of packing a string bikini for my upcoming vacation, I packed Imodium.
In addition to my little list of unhappiness above, my miracle son has been diagnosed as being on the “Autistic Spectrum” and my father has been having some health concerns. Our son is in Early Intervention and they are confident that will sincerely help him and as for my dad, we’re hoping for the best and taking it one day at a time hoping for only only good news. So, it’s been a lot of worry, stress and feelings of overall poopiness.
In many ways, things are good and I swear, despite my current whining, I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I will celebrate, I will focus on the positive and I will continue to eat cake despite what the scale says. I just know that with this milestone, some wishful thinking and some choices have been even more shut down.
So, the morning I turned 40, my dad was getting another test, my son was working with his speech therapist and I interviewed an owner of a home insemination kit. I somehow ended up talking to him for a full 20 minutes about sperm. An odd, yet strangely typical day.
I was recently talking to someone and they asked me what the biggest problem is with infertility and how would I solve it. I thought long and hard about this as I can think of so many things wrong with infertility. Insurance coverage, costs, friends and family who don’t understand, women in their 50’s who don’t get their period anymore asking me why they can’t use their own eggs and so many understandably naïve people just starting treatment not realizing all of their options (or all of the acronyms on IF chat boards).
My answer was that the biggest problem about infertility is no one talks about it and it’s simply not main stream or accepted enough. Wouldn’t it be amazing if it was as much in our daily lives as diabetes, or breast cancer or any other actual medical condition? Wouldn’t it be a huge f*cking help to all of us if people didn’t pity us or dismiss us as just unlucky? Wouldn’t it be even better if people didn’t say stupid sh*t like, “Go on vacation!” or “Have him leave his socks on!”
Seriously – if there was some way to educate the public (both fertile and infertile), the problems we could both solve and avoid!
And that is something that is comforting to me right now. In many ways, I feel like a stressed out, fat, failure that’s as always, maintaining my sanity and sense of humor at all times. However, I know that every day, through my job, my own advocacy work, social media and my blog, I’m doing something that I’m passionate about inside and out. Whether it’s my son’s music class, a Facebook post, a dinner party, a family member, at Resolve’s Night of Hope, I Believe Video Contest or the many, many people I talk to through Fertility Authority, I’m doing something I believe in. And that’s educating others on infertility.
Even in the midst of stress and agita (an Italian word I so love), I get numerous emails from people thanking me for my honesty, or helping them get a second opinion, or encouraging them to just go to the doctor in the first place. I mention this not as I, “I’m awesome! Look at me!” I mention it because hearing that I’ve helped or inspired anyone has comforted me during this crazy time more than I can say. When you celebrate the day of your birth, there’s nothing more satisfying than knowing a few people out there are actually glad you exist.
I talk about this a lot and I cling to it often: When things are tough, no matter the issue, it’s better to focus on the positive and wrap yourself in that. I’m alive, I have a loving and fun husband, I have my adorable son after trying and hoping for so long (and who I adore more than anything), I have very funny supportive friends, I have a loving family and I have the infertility community, which I’m honored to be a part of. Truly. It’s a club I wouldn’t have elected to join but they are some of the strongest, bravest, most compassionate group I’ve ever known and I’m proud to stand with them.
So whether it’s educating young women on exploring freezing their eggs, advising older women about which doctor will see them with their own eggs or exploring donor eggs or surrogacy, or telling someone that we don’t yet have the technology to impregnate them by using a recently deceased person’s ashes, I continue to push forward. Thank you for pushing me along with you.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time, I will be praying for your dad and you little boy! And you, of course 🙂
Just wanted to send you and your family a hug. I am thinking of you.
So sorry to listen to your infertility problem. But just keep one thing in mind, have faith in God and in this advanced technology world, everything is possible and you will surely get a good treatment and conceive if consult with a good doctor. Lots of hugs.. Stay blessed.
Infertility Treatment in Punjab
Hugs first of all. I could have written this post & I'm going to email you separately. What frustrates me is that despite the amount of information available, people still think it is easily possible to conceive in 2013 despite being over a certain age. Really??? Where have these people begin?
Yeah, it's always nice to focus on the good things, but sometimes you just need to vent about the unfair things that just suck. I'm so glad that you have the job you do, and are able to help people with compassion and a sense of reality!
And I love that your gallbladder had a sense of humor! 🙂
Huge hugs!! I'm sorry you are going through so much right now!! I know it's so tough to have so much going on!! xoxoxo
Despite all the tough issues you are having to face lately, I hope you found a way to have some happiness on your birthday. Wishing you all the best.
Happy birthday! I am coming up fast on 40 too. Gah.
I am sending good, strong, healthy thoughts to those two important men (albeit a little man) in your life.
Also, I am glad your gall bladder is out and proud.
Take care of yourself, I hope that vacay is fun and you drink a bit more then the Imodium.
Happy Birthday. I turn 40 next year.
As much as I get what you are saying about declining fertility with age, I don't think we should dismiss it totally. I am thinking this way after reading Julia Indichova's book (http://onestepatatime.co.za/books/this-book-will-give-you-hope/). She was 42 and worked very hard eating certain foods etc and got pregnant with her second child. This book did give me hope for a second child at a time when I needed it. Look if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but she is proof it can. A lot of doctors refused to work with her just on her age and FSH level, but she was determined and she got what she wanted.
I am so sorry about the Autistic diagnosis. That must be a lot to deal with. Good luck with everything you are doing.
Hola Chica! Happy Belated Birthday! Just wanted to stop by and say a few things. First, thanks so much for trailblazing this 40th Birthday thing for me! Now I know what to look forward to. Secondly, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all the family health issues. You are such an inspiration and source of strength and humor for so many, please let us know if there's anything we can do to return the favor.
I laughed. I cried. You're awesome. You're inspiring. Don't forget it. You touch more lives than you could know.
Thanks for making me read that. It was long and I forgot most of it. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (I didn't notice the date, feel like I'm late). On that note, I am also surprised at how many women in their 40s are shocked and appalled by their infertility. When I turned 30, I thought I would never conceive. How did everyone else miss the whole "35" rule?
Happy birthday! I was missing your posts… I'm sending you warm thoughts and hoping for the best with both your son and dad. Stay strong, you're wonderful!
Excellent post. I smiled and I nodded my head a lot. I once wrote a post about the how people cant actually face that INfertility is a real thing. I mean if it was taken as seriously as cancer and diabetes we would never get the 'just relax' comments and woman would believe that they can wait until they are 40 to start their family. Great post. Great blog.
I love this post. I may have to start religiously following you!
It's weird about getting older. In some ways, I love the celebrations every year – after having cancer, it's a miracle that I'm still here. But dealing with (secondary) IF means that every year older, means that my chances are that much less. In a few months, I'll be 36, whatever that means. Trying to just let it go… and let fate run its course..
I feel like people see actresses in their mid to late 40s having babies (and not admitting that they are using donor eggs) and they assume that it's the norm. I've also noted that a lot of women I know seem to lack basic knowledge about the reproductive system and how it works. It's like no one ever took a health class in school. Happy birthday to you. 40, with a fulfilling job, a happy marriage, a beautiful son – you should be proud of all you have overcome and accomplished.
Love love love this! Especially about the gay and proud gall bladder! Too funny! I feel bad for the lady calling about the deceased husband. I know there is nothing anyone can do to help her at this point, but its sad to think that shes so deep in despair that she's resorting to finding a way to impregnate herself with ashes. Im so thankful for people who do what you do!
Happy birthday! I know how you feel… I turned 40 two weeks ago….
Thanks a lot for letting us- fellow IF club members -to know a wonderful person like you. And the difficult journey to be a mom. May God Bless you with all thats good
Hi from ICLW. Hahaha I get agita too. Just never knew how it was spelled. Oh and I remember hitting 40 very well. Happy Belated Birthday.
Happy Birthday! I am sending positive thoughts to you and your family right now, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have your dad going through some issues and everything else on top of it. I have to say, I LOVE that your gallbladder is gay and proud! I wish mine had come out on national coming out day! Haha.
Enjoy your vacation and wear the bathing suit anyway :-).
Happy birthday! Much love to you! I admire you so much.
Erika in Texas.
Here from the Roundup … oh my goodness you are hilarious!!! So glad I found this blog! Gary the Gay Gallbladder????!!!!! hahahahahahaha, awesome!
Hi from ICLW. Hilarious post!
Hoping to read your news soon again <3
What a great post…even in the middle of tough life stuff, your sense of humor is so fresh. I loved the part about your gallbladder being gay. Haha!
I just recently found your blog, and I am finding it very helpful, in both good and bad ways. I am almost 40 and want to have a baby, and I need to be BRUTALLY honest with myself. Thank you for writing honestly, and I am wishing you all the best! I am new to Twitter, and I will try to follow you there as well. 🙂