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The No Baby Shower

It’s on! I’ve got a date, a location and I’m thinking of fun ideas to put in the Goody Bag! What do we think? Maxi pads? Ovulation Prediction kits? Boxes of Chocolates? Soft cheese? Sushi? Any thoughts?

I’m thrilled that many organizations and people are donating items for us to give out to our guests for free. Lord knows when you’re going through treatment, you’re already paying so damn much for everything else!

I am looking forward to meeting so many of the people I’ve connected with through my job, this blog and of course, Twitter and Facebook. It’s my sincere hope that guests will have fun and find support from one another! If you’d like to attend, there’s still time! Just email me and we’ll get you all set up! Here’s the invite:

For reasons that perhaps many of you can relate to, being invited to baby showers when I was in the midst of trying to conceive was both painful and difficult. I would always make my excuses; send an expensive gift and stay home to be depressed in private.
In my very bitter state, I would often think to myself, “Not only do fertile women get a baby but they get a party with presents too! How the hell is that fair???” Mind you – this wasn’t the nicest thought for me to have, but again, I hope some of you can possibly empathize or relate.
That’s when I started joking about having an “Infertility Baby Shower”. In my mind, I felt that if anyone really needed a party with presents, it was those who either were trying to conceive or unable to conceive.
A few of my friends in the infertility community and I started joking about it: What games we would play (‘Pin the Tail on the Sperm’ as mentioned in my last post), what the decoration theme would be (Barbie or Minnie Mouse), etc.
What started as a painful event for me slowly morphed into something I was “owning” and even making fun of. Some even remarked that it reminded them of the episode where Carrie Bradshaw of Sex & the City was single but decided to register for a new pair of shoes after spending thousands of dollars on other people’s bridal showers, baby showers and weddings.
For years, I volunteered at Gilda’s Club. For those of you who don’t know, Gilda’s Club was named for Gilda Radner, the very funny comedian and one of the original cast members of Saturday Night Live who is a bit of a hero of mine. Gilda was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1986 and very sadly, passed away in1989. Gilda’s husband, Gene Wilder and her psychotherapist, Joanna Bull started the Gilda’s Club movement in 1995.
The spirit and humor of Gilda, even when facing Cancer was always present at the club. I also always remember when she did a guest spot on The Gary Shandling Show (See Video Clip by clicking HERE). She had a sense of humor throughout her incredibly difficult struggle. This is something I’ve thought of often and have been inspired by in my worst moments and it’s in the spirit of the work of Gilda’s Club that I was modeling the NBS after.
Overall, I’ve received so many wonderful responses from people asking if I could bring the NBS to their neck of the woods, others who have expressed the willingness to travel to the event and several just simply complimenting the humor behind it. It’s been overwhelming and very touching to me.
However, I do want to acknowledge that there have been a few that have expressed being offended by this event. If you know me or have been following my blog for a while now, I sincerely hope you’d know that offending people is never, ever something I set out to do. Although it was just a few, they felt this “No Baby Shower” was making fun of infertility issues in a negative way.
I absolutely respect their feelings, their honesty and applaud them for feeling comfortable enough to share this with me. This is why I did want to mention it here as I’m sure there are others out there who may feel the same way.
Therefore, I want to say that as passionate and excited as I am about the NBS becoming a reality, I do want to extend a very sincere heartfelt apology to anyone who may have been offended. This event is something I sincerely care about and I only had the best of intentions. Although I fully realize not everyone can share my humor and that you can’t please everyone all of the time, I am truly sorry if something I did upset anyone on any level.
There are two things though I will never apologize for: Caring or continuing to be an advocate for those who are dealing with infertility. I know that there are some who go through treatment, have a child and choose to put the world of endless vaginal sonograms, blood work, retrievals, transfers and financial strain behind them. I understand it completely but that’s just not me.
I recently wrote an article on the Huffington Post called, “Your Biological Clock Turns Cuckoo Earlier Than You Think” about educating women that age sadly and annoying can affect their fertility and I’m currently working on a new piece letting the fertile community at large that asking, “When are you doing to have kids?” can be unintentionally hurtful. I’m also exceedingly proud and excited to be a part of Resolve’s National Advocacy Day and will be traveling to Washington D.C. to speak to our elected officials about the needs of so many amazing, loving, fabulous people struggling to build a family.
Yes, my journey has come a long way from when I was avoiding baby showers but no, just because I’ve had a child through IVF does that mean I’ve stopped caring, fighting or trying desperately to bring my sense of humor to infertility.

I mentioned all of this to a personal hero of mine, Carolyn Savage, and she advised, “Just because you had a baby doesn’t mean you can no longer advocate for infertility. That would be the equivalent of saying survivors can’t advocate for breast cancer.” Those words meant so much to me.

For those of you who do understand why I’m doing the No Baby Shower and why I continue to try in my small way to pay back the IF community that helped me so much when I needed them, I sincerely thank you from the very bottom of my heart (and uterus). I do hope that I’ll meet you all soon… if not at the NBS or National Advocacy Day, then at some point in the future!
Ultimately, even though we may not always agree or deal with things the same way, I do know we all think infertility is one evil, cruel bitch. No matter our differences, let’s always remember to try and support one another as much as we can.

Sending you humor and hugs… as always.
ADDENDUM: An anonymous person pointed out that I might want to explain why I didn’t put this together when I was still “in the trenches”. Thank you whoever you are as it’s a very good question! The sad truth is I couldn’t afford to! All my money was being put towards my fertility treatment. That’s why this is exciting for me. Between putting in some of my own money and the very generous team at my job (Fertility Authority), we’re putting this together so no one has to pay. It’s a free event to again, raise awareness, connect those in the community to one another, hopefully have fun and support each other.

12 thoughts on “The No Baby Shower”

  1. I think the "No Baby Shower" sounds like a great idea. But then again, I'm "on the other side," so what do I know.

    Oh, btw, two suggestions to add to the goody bags: mini bottles of alcohol and tiny bags of coffee! 🙂

  2. VERY good point! I will add that to my post above. The truth is I was spending my money all on treatment so I couldn't afford to put this together. It's free of charge for anyone who wants to attend. Thank you for mentioning this! 🙂

  3. If you can explain why you did not have the 'No Baby Shower' before you had success with IVF, It might help the folks who are offended with this event now.

  4. Bring this to Canada!! Things sounds like an awesome idea and as someone who has read your blog now for years you always make me smile when its a rough day…there were many of them before our final successful IVF. Dont ever stop.

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